9 or so days to go

For some reason, I was awake before everyone else this morning. I stayed in bed and enjoyed the time with my baby. I'm ashamed that I let the busyness of life get ahead of savoring the moments sometimes. I still have to remind myself of how precious this time is. How fleeting. There may never be another morning when only I can feel a baby in my tummy. Happy, growing, squirming. Just he and I. What a privilege to carry a life inside.

With weekly trips to the Little Big City, I let both Mother's Day and Memorial Day pass by without my new tradition of taking the time to myself. I should have done it anyway, but it was hard to justify when I feel like I'm gone too much anyway and there's still so much to do. I did take quiet time to remember my little ones that I carry in my heart on Memorial Day.  I will carry them always. While I remember and grieve over them any time during the year, I appreciate taking the time to purposely acknowledge their lives. Short as they were- I carried them, and I will not forget.

~In household news, 3 out of 5 children have now had CP. I wonder if the older ones will.
~Water could possibly be in our house this week.
~I've done all of the returns and tied up many other loose ends- whoo-hooo! Everything that I do manage just means that's one less thing to do after the little one's arrival. Stuff still has to get done, it's just easier when things are done before there is an infant's needs and schedule to worry about, and also easier when things are as organized as possible
~Replaced the sconce that was broken almost 2 years ago.
~New market opening in our little town. I really miss it this year. The hustle and bustle surrounding market days, the socializing (!!), the satisfaction of people's praise over your products.
~ Saw the midwife today, and she's fairly certain that Baby is over 9 lbs. Plus I measure 42 weeks (I'm not quite 39 yet). Hmmmmmmm. Happy for a healthy baby, of course...but that doesn't make me look forward to delivery!

38 weeks

2 babies have come at 38 weeks, so I know it could be any time.
The uncomfortable part of me is more than ready, but the other parts of me just isn't! There's still so many loose ends to tie up, and things to do, plus the fact that the sooner I have the baby the less likely I'm going to have any water relief fills me with dread.

Regardless, preperations continue on.

There are 18 dinners ready to go. 8 breakfasts (obviously the one I worry with the least) and 15 lunches. Not bad for a week's work.

Only 2 plants left to plant, and those will be done this evening. I'm shocked and proud of us for what we managed to accomplish with the gardens with all else that has gone on.

All shopping is done until fall. I made a very strict budget of $100/child including swimware and shoes, $50 to fill in gaps with the new baby, $50 for #5, only undershirts and town shorts for the husband, and nothing for me. I ended up needing swimware, but that's it. After all, I'm going to be 5 different sizes this summer, so why bother buying anything. I'm pleased to say that I stuck with the budget! New undies and socks, plus toothbrushes, and we are all set to go.

The pool is built, and stable. We're still having some issues with the water color, and we haven't hooked up the spa (thus my inability to use it for labor if I go at night, which I usually do). We're enjoying it to it's full potential, regardless!

Baby clothes are washed, and ready. Birth kit assembled. Laundry caught up.

Whatever time I have left will be spent trying to tie up loose ends in the garden and business. 

4 week countdown

I can't believe that I'm in the final month of this pregnancy! This has been by far the fastest pregnancy I've had. Being well aware that this could be my last pregnancy, I want to soak in every good, and turn a blind eye to the uncomfortable. Of course that doesn't stop me from complaining, but I am also well aware of how very much worse the pain could be! There's no denying though, that every pregnancy is just hard, but it is a very very precious time.

Things have been more than crazy these last few months on the farm. Seems like we've just been spinning in our tracks trying to get our list done. We had goals set for the year, but one thing right after another have been delayed. In fact, seems like everything has broken or been delayed which of course caused multiple chain reactions causing nearly everything on our list to not be done. From a list-checker-offer's point of view- this has been devastating news!

 Frankly, all things considering, I feel like I've done a decent job of letting go and just dealing the hand I'm dealt. All things considering. I only cried once, and while I'm getting pretty snarky and personally contacting the well guy (which, admittedly, isn't exactly "letting go") all in all, I've handled things very well. Really, I have. All things considering. I'm not ready to talk about the well yet, though.... Except for the water situation, most other things have been resolved. While that did indeed put me way way behind on everything else on my list of things to accomplish, that's out of my control, so all I can do is the best I can until the baby comes.

 Rather than focus on all of the things that I did not get to, I'm going to focus on what has been accomplished.

~Wipes have been made.

~Suburban has been serviced.
~Barn has been finished. About 3/4 of the stuff has been moved out there, and I did finally leave the rest to my husband who I think was a little tired of me trying to interfere and get it done. (I let go- yeah!)
 ~Fireplace and tools scrubbed down and summerized. Still looking for a mirror to also go in there.
~All the doors WD-40ed.
~laundry room junk drawers organized.

Since it took me a week to actually post this blog post, I'll stop here. :)

Happy Mother's Day

As I reflect on my job as a mother, I realize that I:

-Have been pregnant 12 times, for a total of about 71 months
-Have changed more than 20,000 diapers
-Done more than 2,000 loads of laundry
-Breastfed for more than 48 months
-Cooked way more than 5,000 meals
-Bandaged uncountable ouchies, cleaned up countless vomit puddles
-Had countless sleepless night caring for crying babies or sick children
-Homeschooled for 10 years so far in 7 grades
-Currently homeschool 4 children in 4 grades and work fulltime and run my household without outside help (not including plenty of DiGiorno's pizzas).
-I don't have easy pregnancies.
-I don't have easy births.
-I don't have perfect children.
-I don't have outside help, paid or family.
-Things are never perfect, and they rarely run perfectly smoothly.

It's worth every second.

When I chose to give up any of my own dreams and ideas of what I thought I would do with my life before children, I had no idea what was in store for me. How "just being a stay at home mom" (although I think I really fit more into the "work at home mom" category) would challenge and change me in ways I could never dream of. I didn't know of the sense of accomplishment when I look around after a hard day and can see the fruit of my hands. From learning to read and tackling Algebra, we're conquering every hill. Even in the days when I think I can't- if I can just dig out a bit and give myself a good pep talk, I can see that little by little, I CAN. More than that- I AM.

Frankly, I never knew it would be so hard. I also never knew what I was capable of accomplishing. In a world where there is almost never encouragement for women like me, a world that tells me that I'm crazy to have so many children, and does it's best to prevent any more lives, a world that insists it can teach my children better than I can, and that things are "too hard": that makes things even more difficult. Then there are those 6 holes in my heart that no one else will dare talk about. I still remember them, and I am still their mother.

I'm in the trenches. Every day is huge and bursting with a million things that must be done, taught, and fixed. Every day can seem the same as the day before. It can seem overwhelming and completely exhausting. It can seem like I'm not getting anywhere and all of it is for nothing.

Thing is, as we walk this road, we may never get acknowledgement or support. No one may ever know the sacrifices and tears that went into our job. Even so, there is a great satisfactory pride in the knowledge that every day I'm doing it. Every day is moving us in a direction, and each day that I don't quit means that it is in a positive direction. One more life lesson, one more educational lesson, one more meal, one more feeding for the body and soul. One more life.

I never knew it would be so worth it.